


because a night without you is too lonely for me

by strawberryjunhee



Category: A.C.E (Beat Interactive Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Angst with a Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Suicide Idealization
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-28
Updated: 2018-08-28
Packaged: 2019-07-02 09:07:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15793404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strawberryjunhee/pseuds/strawberryjunhee
Summary: Byeongkwan likes to think that if he put a minuscule amount of love Junhee has for him, towards loving himself, all of his problems would go away in an instant.





	because a night without you is too lonely for me

**Author's Note:**

> Be mindful of the tags.

Nights, where Byeongkwan is alone, has to be the hardest. Even mindless television blaring in the background isn't enough to drown out whatever thoughts decide to suffocate him next. Sehyoon isn't next to him, eating chicken and saying the weirdest things at times. Byeongkwan really adores those comments, he has to think about them a lot, analyze them. He does ignore them occasionally, giving Sehyoon a weird look before refocusing on something else. 

When Sehyoon can't physically be with him, texting is always an option. They talk about random things. Their dance students, a bird outside the window, or an annoying neighbor. Sehyoon talks about some music. He'll send Byeongkwan the file if he feels confident enough in them. Byeongkwan listens to the snippets. Repeating the tunes until they are bouncing through his head for weeks.

Junhee isn't there all the time either. Junhee, although not the best DJ, is pretty good. He knows how to rave up the audience, which is funny for Byeongkwan to hear. 

Even with the two by his side, it doesn't always work. Byeongkwan will always find something to scrutinize about himself. Even the tiniest things, so insignificant that it feels like one massive joke. Like his smile, it's become habitual to hide it with his hand. ("You have such a cute smile! Why are you hiding it") Junhee loves taking pictures. And Byeongkwan has to force a smile on some days. He won't show his teeth-he shouldn't. 

He'll think about the picture. Zoning out and thinking about how  _terrible_ he looks. His chest will tighten up slightly and his eyes will sting. Junhee would call him out of his thoughts, eyes brimming with concern. Sehyoon and Junhee, they aren't idiots. They are, but not all the time. Both of them know that something is wrong with him, to an extent. He got slightly better at hiding it.

There are still slip-ups.

He is human after all.

And honestly, Byeongkwan hates it sometimes. 

Out of all nights, this one has to be the night where Junhee is working until 2 A.M. The night where Sehyoon has his phone off while working on music, locked in his studio. Byeongkwan turns off the TV and gets up. He paces around the living room, flinching when he hears the floorboards creak under his weight. Had he gained weight? How would that even be possible? He has been eating little chocolate snacks, but he dances for a living!

So, he paces some more. It's supposed to be something to focus on, but the action becomes mindless, and his thoughts wander. 

Seyhoon turned off his phone. Why? Did he think Byeongkwan was going to contact him? Byeongkwan would just be a distraction then. It would be Sehyoon's best interest to just turn off his phone, so Byeongkwan couldn't be a distraction. He doesn't always contact Sehyoon though. They talk on a daily but that was because they are such good friends, right? Unless Sehyoon was just his friend out of pity..no..he wouldn't. What if he was though? Byeongkwan doesn't know what he would do if Sehyoon cut off contact with him-

"Hey, what are you doing up so late?" Junhee. Junhee is home, but it's only 1:22 A.M, he shouldn't be home yet. 

Byeongkwan's head snapped towards the voice. Yup, that was Junhee. Standing in a dimly lit hallway, black hair a mess. "I thought the party wasn't ending until 2."

"The host had an emergency, I got let out early," Junhee explained. "I'm still getting paid for full hours."

"Are you going to answer my question?"

Byeongkwan swallowed. "I was just thinking of some new choreography."

Junhee cooed, pulling Byeongkwan into a hug. "My boyfriend is so hardworking. You should be sleeping though, getting your beauty rest." The height difference between them is almost non-existent. He may be a few millimeters shorter than Junhee, but in terms of build, Byeongkwan is bigger. He let himself feel smaller for a minute. The thoughts were still racing through his head, slightly slower though. "Come on, lets head to bed."

 

It was an odd concept for Byeongkwan to consider, not hating yourself. To not beat yourself up for every single mistake. To just..accept that you make errors, that it's okay to do that.

It was so weird.

Yes, Byeongkwan was tired of doing those things over and over again. Following the same negative thought process, every single day was draining. But breaking out of it? Loving himself? It sounded terrifying. He didn't feel worthy of it.

 

His body ached as he ran through the choreography again. The class he taught ended 2 hours ago but here he was. Byeongkwan has heard this song so many times throughout the day, it was starting to get annoying. But he didn't want to stop practicing. That was a lie. He wanted to stop. He wanted to head home and collapse into bed and maybe, just maybe, not wake up. 

Exhaustion hit him like a brick and Byeongkwan felt his knees go weak and he collapsed onto the hard floor. His lungs burned. Thoughts ran rampant as Byeongkwan tried to recollect himself. 

Memories of high school resurfaced. He was the captain of the dance team, he would act in similar ways to now. Staying long after everyone left, practicing until his body physically couldn't anymore. His mother was always so worried, asking him to come home a bit earlier. Teachers constantly reassuring him that he has perfected the moves, he was fine to perform but it all seemed like lies.

The craving for perfection was something Byeongkwan always had. If he was perfect, no one would have to worry about him. He could be someone who brought no burden onto others.

The ideal human.

Legs feeling like jelly, Byeongkwan forced himself up to turn off the music. Sehyoon told him not to stay too late, tone teasing but there were hints of concern. 

 **_junhee ♥:_ ** _head home soon! don't stay in the studio for too long_

Byeongkwan bit his lip. Guilt overwhelmed him for a minute. He hasn't got the dance down yet, he needed to stay for longer. 

Junhee didn't need to worry about him though. He pocketed his phone and locked up the studio. 

 

"I don't understand why so little people appreciate the art of playing the trumpet," Sehyoon sighed, wiping down the mirror in front of him. "The sound of it-I mean, so many other instruments rely on it!"

Byeongkwan was always in awe of Sehyoon. The elder had gone through some rough times. Sehyoon managed to pull himself out of it, not quickly or miraculously, but he managed. Awe..it could be envy. Sehyoon glowed now, with new-found confidence and wise words. Sometimes wise, other times, such as now, he rambles about odd things. It's endearing though. "Some people just don't think of the trumpet, I wouldn't stress about it." Sehyoon hummed in agreement. 

He continued moping the floor. "Hey, do you want to go to dinner after this?"

"I can't tonight," Sehyoon apologized, sending a smile towards Byeongkwan. "Eunsuh wants to meet up, she is feeling homesick already."

"Well, Gwangju is pretty tame compared to Seoul," Byeongkwan reasoned, his chest ached and his eyes felt heavy all of a sudden. "You both are country kids, no one expects you to get used to the city so quickly."

"Junhee is from Suncheon, you are dating a country kid." Sehyoon teased. "Anyways, sorry I can't come tonight, how about next week?"

Apathy wrapped around Byeongkwan like a wet blanket, weighing him down. He stared at the floor for a few seconds. "Next week sounds great."

They cleaned up the last bits of their studio and said their goodbyes.

 

A road filled with fast-paced cars occupied the left side of Byeongkwan's vision. He was tempted to call Junhee, as a precaution to make sure he got home safe. Because..well..no one was around. Those cars are going so fast, if he were to run in front of them, he would die.

And he wouldn't have to deal with  _this_ anymore. 

Stopping in his steps, Byeongkwan glanced towards the busy street. 

Most people would panic at the mental image of their body sprawled across the pavement. Mangled corpse decorating the streets. It made the ache in Byeongkwan's chest lighten, ever so slightly. Escapism, something Byeongkwan is a victim too. He'll retreat into his own mind, ironically his worst enemy, to combat the urge he had to throw himself in front of a car. 

Cleaning up blood and guts would be a pain. Junhee would have to identify the body, he doesn't need that trauma. Maybe jumping off a bridge would be better. Body drained from all of its life into the roaring river below, skin blue from the cold and eyes vacant. 

Inhaling the cold air, Byeongkwan rushed home. Skin tingling and mind racing. 

 

"Do you ever think about getting married?" Junhee asks one night. They are half-way into an episode of 'Return of Superman'. Byeongkwan freezes at the question and Junhee senses the tension. "You don't need to answer, I was just curious."

"Have you thought about getting married?" Byeongkwan sputters, incredulous. Why would Junhee even think about getting married to him? It doesn't make sense. Then again, Junhee even wanting to date him never really made sense. Byeongkwan just thought it was one big prank. 

"Well, we have been dating for 4 years now," Junhee said, snuggling further into the couch. "It has passed my mind a few times."

A very long prank at that.

"I-I haven't," Byeongkwan admits.

Junhee gives him a reassuring kiss on the cheek. "That's fine too."

 

Byeongkwan has a lot of good days. He won't glare at the mirror in front of him or wish he disappeared into nothingness. Those days he put an extra bounce into his dancing and voice while instructing. He smiles and laughs easier. Sehyoon's small little comments make sense. He willingly leaves the studio at a respectable time and accepts Junhee's affection. 

The self-hatred doesn't go away fully. Never has, he doubts it ever will. But it's not screaming in his head on those days, it more so making quiet comments throughout the day. He could have a week where it doesn't fully consume him. 

And then it consumes him and Byeongkwan has to force himself out of bed. Those days he just wants to stay in bed and scream until he exhausts himself. He just wants to be forgotten. Slowly take whatever redeeming parts of his personality (if any remains) and throw them into oblivion. So that no one will care about what he does next. 

No matter how much he actually wants to die, there is still Sehyoon and Junhee tethering him to this world. The world that was maybe never meant for him to set foot on. He knows how devastated they will be. Or maybe they will be happy, one less burden to deal with. 

He wonders how he dealt with high school when thoughts like these occupied him daily. He and Sehyoon weren't as close as they were now. Junhee had only been a stranger he saw playing the piano a few times. 

To say he dealt with it must be a lie. Byeongkwan had tried, once. It obviously didn't work. He was stupid back then. Byeongkwan underestimated his body. Perhaps it didn't fully occur to him that no matter how much his mind wanted to die, his body desperately wanted to stay alive. It was a constant battle and he was wondering what side would give out first. 

Byeongkwan stared at the ceiling above him, he just wanted to be done.

 

Fate had to be fucking with him.

It had to be.

Because here he was, tears spilling from his eyes and chest _so_ tight. He almost craved the numbness again. Byeongkwan tried to calm himself down, but nothing was working. Nothing had been working for the past hour.

The front door clicked open.

All those years Byeongkwan spent trying to hide this from Junhee could be considered useless now. Junhee stared at him for a second, eyes wide, unsure of what to do. Byeongkwan expected (wanted) him to scream at him. Tell him how much of a freak he was, how pathetic he was. To confirm every single thought he ever had. But, Junhee didn't. His boyfriend dropped his bag and ran over to the couch.

"Byeongkwan? Hey, hey-" Junhee didn't know what to do. Of course, he didn't! Because he has never had to deal with mentally unstable- "Can you hear me? Blink twice if you can."

Byeongkwan complies. "Okay, can I touch you? Blink once for no, twice for yes." Physical contact was suffocating to him in this state, he blinks once. Junhee nods in understanding. "Do you want me to stay with you? Blink once for no, twice for yes."

_No. Please leave me, you deserve so much better. Tell Sehyoon to do the same. pleasepleasplease-_

Byeongkwan blinks twice. He feels selfish, when doesn't he? 

The room gets dark. Byeongkwan realizes how much time has passed and tries to get his breathing under control. "Can you breathe with me Kwannie?" 1,2,3. 1,2,3. 1,2,3,4. 1,2,3. "I'm going to get up, turn on the lights and get you water, is that okay?" Twice. Junhee nods and gets up. 

Harsh lights blind him temporarily. He is too tired to apologize. Too tired for anything. But he tries. "I-I'm s-sorry, didn't m-mean for you to-o see this."

Junhee doesn't say anything. He puts the glass of water to Byeongkwan's lips. 

The next few minutes are tense. Byeongkwan has a massive headache. "Do you want to talk about it tomorrow, when you have a clearer head?"

"I want to die," Byeongkwan blurts out. It must've years of repressing it, hiding it from his parents and friends. The aching was too much to bear. He was so  _tired_. But too scared to do anything about it. Therefore, it was a relentless cycle.

Byeongkwan wanted out of it.

But he also wants to retract the statement. Go back in time and stop himself from ever saying it. To have things go back to the way they were: secrets and false smiles, the second he sees Junhee's face. It must be weird to hear someone you love so dearly (at least that's what Junhee says) say such a vulgar thing. Was vulgar even the right term for it? Morbid seems better. Byeongkwan is desensitized to the concept, maybe it's because he spends so much time thinking about it. 

"W-what?" Junhee stammers, eyes wide. 

Swallowing the lump that formed in his throat, Byeongkwan repeats it. "I want to die and I have for a while."

The gears in Junhee's head started turning.

"Why?"

Why? He feels like a burden to humanity, to the earth itself. Some days are so bad that he doesn't want to burden gravity by holding him down, having to stop him from floating up into space. "I feel worthless. I feel like everything would be better if I was d-dead." His voice sounded so detached, those very words had been uttered in his head so many times, the actual meaning may have been stripped from them. 

Junhee stares at him, struggling to understand what Byeongkwan meant. "I-i don't get it! Byeongkwan you are worth so much, how can you not see it!"

"Great question," Byeongkwan snapped. Anger, that was something he hadn't felt in a while. "I wonder why the hell I don't understand it every single day!" He was angry that Junhee didn't get it. Angry that someone didn't have to experience what he felt every single day of his dreadful existence. 

"Byeongkwan-"

"God, you have no idea how great it feels to hate yourself every single second of every single day!" Byeongkwan yelled. His skin was tingling, they lived on the 15th floor of their apartment building. Would it be high enough? "I'm so tired, Jun. I just want this all to be over."

Over. Byeongkwan didn't mean getting better, he knew this. He didn't want to get better, the idea of getting better was foreign to him. He just wanted to have darkness envelop his vision and for the light to never creep back in. "I don't feel good enough for anything. Not for my job, this apartment, you and Sehyoon..nothing."

"I don't even know what it feels like to be normal anymore."

Byeongkwan didn't realize the tears streaming down his face until he felt Junhee's hand on his cheek. "I'm so sorry, fuck, I'm so sorry Byeongkwan. I didn't realize-shit, I didn't see how much you were hurting." Pity. 

He wanted to tear himself from Junhee's gaze, to stop the pity. But it wasn't pitying, it really wasn't. It was concern. "I can't say it's going to get better instantly, but me and, and Sehyoon-would you be okay with that?" He couldn't stop the nod even if he wanted to. "Me and him, we're going to help you through this, no matter how long it takes."

"Even if you still feel like this when we are 90, I'll still be there helping you."

"You know me feeling like this won't ever go away right?" Byeongkwan muttered. The ache in his chest was still there, slightly lighter because Junhee knew. Junhee knew and wasn't screaming and running away, he was offering to help. Because Junhee, god no matter how crazy it sounded, really did love him. Even if he didn't des-

"I know, but I'll try my best to make sure you feel worthy of love because you are."

Byeongkwan opened his eyes, he didn't feel better. It doesn't work like that. He doesn't scream out a few words and cry into someone's arms and immediately feel better. He still felt like shit. But he could see something different in Junhee's eyes. 

It was love.

For the first time in 4 years, Byeongkwan felt like he was worthy of it.

Just a little bit.  

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I was feeling really mushy for Byeongkwan today.  
> Anyways, hello! I'm not dead. I've just had really bad writers' block but this should get me up and running. I hope you enjoyed the story.  
> Any mistakes are mine and I'll try my best to fix them! Comments and kudos are appreciated!


End file.
